My work just started a 90 day weight loss competition. $10 buy in and the winner gets all the money and some other prize stuff that the hotel throws in. 2nd and 3rd place also get prizes. I was told there was a total of 27 people that signed up and that the hotel would up the grand prize total to $400. I was one of the entries. It’s about fucking time.
This is the longest stretch in my adult life that I’ve ever gone without attempting any sort of diet or exercise. Easily over two years. I have antidepressants to blame for that. Before I was on them I would often get down on myself for being overweight and would start and stop exercise and diet regimens to mixed results. Since being on them I still see an overweight body staring back at me in the mirror and I’m still aware of the negatives I’d be doing to my body with what I was eating, but I just didn’t care. La la la, eat more food, what are you gonna do about it? I recently had a physical that revealed, to no shock at all, that my cholesterol is too high and so is my body fat.
So I joined the local gym. Today was day two in a row of going. Yesterday I did about 30 minutes of cardio and did a tiny bit of weight lifting. At the moment I don’t know jack shit about proper weight lifting so I’m going to stay away from them for a little bit. Luckily my friend Mike said he would work out with me, and that man knows A LOT about lifting weights. He transformed his body from a skinny bean pole to a hulk of a man and he’s kept it that way for many years now. He’s going on a cruise next week though so I’ll have to wait til he comes back.
Today as soon as I walked in the door of the gym I was greeted by one of the trainer/employees asking me if I was ready for me free fitness assessment. I knew what he was pitching me couldn’t possibly be totally free, but I knew that I need some guidance on what to do and more importantly not to do so I accepted the offer. He sat me down and had me fill out some info about my height, weight, eating habits, workout habits, and goals. Everything he said at this point was again, not too shocking. He then told me to hop on a treadmill and go at a moderate pace for five minutes to warm me up. Five minutes turned into 15, but I was handing it just fine. He then lead me to the…room…with the mirrors and they do classes in there and such. I don’t know what it’s called. He laid down a yoga mat and had me do a whole slew of leg lifting core exercises. Needless to say I was wiped out exhausted pretty quick. With each new workout he had me do I was getting more and more exhausted. I just knew it was going to happen. By the last leg lifting thing he had me do I was flat on the ground sucking in oxygen like I was drowning. It was almost certainly going to happen. I stood up and he lead me out of the room and I walked by a petite woman just starting her workout. She sees me knocking on death’s door and says to me, “Yeah, it’s hard!”.
He then leads me to a weight lifting machine. The one he wants to use is in use so he tells me I get an extended break while we wait for it. As I’m sitting there still sucking oxygen like a broke crackhead sucks cock it is now a sure thing; I’m gonna barf. I tell the trainer I need to go to the bathroom and I think he can see in my face I’m serious and not just looking to stall my workout. I get in the bathroom, crouch in front of the toilet and do a whole lot of dry heaving. Nothing comes up though. I sit on the bathroom floor, which is always pleasant, crouch some more, stand with my entire body weight leaning against the wall. It takes me a good ten minutes of just doing nothing before I’m able to exit the bathroom. I find the trainer and he asks if I’m alright. I tell him I am and can do a little bit more if he’d like. He promptly decides to stop our workout right there. You know you’re extremely out of shape when a guy that gets paid to make people exercise suggests you not exercise.
We go back to his desk and he starts going over their workout and diet plan. This is of course where the no such thing as a free lunch comes in. He’s about a third of the way through his presentation when I have to stop him because once again I’m bordering on barfing. I quickly get up and head right back to the bathroom. I crouch in my same old spot and this time I do barf up all the water I had been drinking. To my surprise despite eating breakfast no food came up. When I finish my recovery, which doesn’t take as long as the first time, I go back to his desk. I announce to him and the trainer sitting next to him, “Good news! I’ve already lost some weight!”, which cracks everyone up. They might be able to school me in anything physical, but when it comes to humor I can run circles around those meat heads!
So he finishes his pitch and gives me all the pricing options and neither of them are in my current budget. It does seem like exactly the type of program I need though. I tell him that perhaps in a month I’ll be making more money and I’ll take them up on the offer to meet with a trainer at least twice a month (which would be $60. Does that seem like a good price?). We shake hands without me spending a penny and I leave the gym. And that’s the story of me throwing up at the gym today.
After only two days of working out though I FEEL fantastic! It’s the identical feeling I had when I first started taking the antidepressants. The pink cloud has returned! Stopping on the way home to get gas I was striking up conversations with everyone I encountered. There was a girl who was two people ahead of me in line inside that I was going to talk to and ask her number. I didn’t end up doing it because she had a boyfriend with her who was waiting at the car she returned to, but I have no doubt in my mind I would have done it if he were there. I was sweaty, unshaven, wearing a white t-shirt that is the opposite of flattering for my current figure, and minutes removed from puking in a public restroom but I felt invincible. I asked the cashier how to pronounce her name and then told her it was a pretty name. I NEVER do that shit! NEVER! I asked another girl about her phone. I love this feeling!
Tonight I’m going to the A’s game. They’re playing Tampa AND it’s Star Wars night with a Star Wars firework show after the game! I’m getting there two hours before the game starts. You better believe I’m striking up conversations with everyone I find interesting, which will be a lot considering the theme for the game.
Do me a favor and check in on my weight loss status now and again. I know it’s easy to be gung ho when you first start anything new. The real results happen with consistency though, so keep tabs on me. Thanks for reading!