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    • 001- Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life is Calling
      Richard Pryor directed, produced, wrote and starred in this sometimes comic, often tragic tale about a Richard Pryor-like comedian. Beginning with his childhood inside a brothel, the film follows Jo Jo (Pryor) through his struggles as an up-and-coming comedian. Despite his professional success, Jo Jo's personal life is a train wreck of failed marriages […]
    • 002- The Fugitive
      Wrongly convicted of murdering his wife, Dr. Richard Kimble escapes from custody after a train accident. But as he tries to find the real killer -- a mysterious one-armed man -- gung-ho U.S. Marshal Samuel Gerard is hot on his trail.
    • 003- The American President
      Widowed U.S. president Andrew Shepherd (Michael Douglas), one of the world's most powerful men, can have anything he wants -- and what he covets most is Sydney Ellen Wade (Annette Bening), a Washington lobbyist. But Shepherd's attempts at courting her spark wild rumors and decimate his approval ratings in this romantic comedy. Rob Reiner directs, a […]
    • 004- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
      The Monty Python comedy clan skewers King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table as they quest far and wide for the Holy Grail. The Black Knight suffers gory dismemberment at the hands of Arthur himself yet maintains that "it's just a scratch."
    • 005- The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
      After Robert Ford joins the most notorious gang in the West, he grows tired of the charismatic Jesse James and begins to resent his widespread fame. But by hatching a scheme to gun down James, Ford risks forever being branded a coward.
    • 006- Hollywoodland
      When the actor who famously played the Man of Steel in TV's "Adventures of Superman" turns up dead in Beverly Hills, a dogged private eye investigates and unearths a string of strange secrets in this gritty noir-style drama based on a true story.
    • 007- On the Road
      At the height of the Beat era, New York writer Sal Paradise, his freewheeling buddy Dean, and Dean's wife set out on a journey of self-discovery. Their cross-country quest for answers reflects the American character, attitudes and values of the time.
    • 008- Trance
      Danny Boyle directs this psychological thriller about an art heist gone wrong and the hypnotist who's hired to ferret out the missing masterpiece. Everything is a jumble after an auctioneer gets hit in the head while double-crossing some art thieves.
    • 009- 1984
      This movie adaptation of George Orwell's eerie, dystopian tale -- filmed during the year for which it's named -- follows the "reeducation" of two people who break the law in a totalitarian state by falling in love while Big Brother is watching.
    • 010- The Bride with White Hair
      When a beautiful woman saves a man from a pack of wolves, they form a lasting bond. Now on opposite sides of warring clans, the star-crossed lovers must reexamine their loyalties. Thrilling swordplay drives their aching romance to an uncertain end.

What’ll I Do?

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on May 20, 2015

David Letterman has taped his last show ever. In a mere three hours it will broadcast here on my coast and then that’s it. What’ll I do tomorrow, and the rest of my life without David Letterman? For as long as I’ve existed he’s been on television five nights a week. Tonight absolutely feels like a lifetime friend is dying.

I’ll never forget what made me a fan of Letterman. He was taping a week of shows in Los Angeles some times in the mid-nineties. My entire family was watching the episode and he did a bit where he was driving around in a convertible. He went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and ordered something like 500 tacos. Cut to seconds later Dave’s driving down the street with a car full of tacos. In one shot he’s seen throwing a taco as hard as he can into the open window of the neighboring car. When this happened my Dad absolutely cracked up! I thought it was funny too, but I didn’t know if it was OK to laugh at this. You’re not supposed to throw food out of your car! I was young and still learning about humor. Seeing my Dad react in this way convinced me that this Letterman guy was the real deal. I will follow him for as long as I can. And I have.

David Letterman was important to me. It’s always been so much more than just a chuckle in the evening before bed. He was a goofball from Indiana that won over Hollywood and in doing so won over America. Or at the very least, he won over COOL America. The greatest litmus test to find out if a new person in your life was worth hanging around or not was to find out if they were a Letterman person or a Leno person. I’m not going to say that anyone could host a late-night talk show, say things in a funny tone, and ask celebrities questions, but Jay Leno made it seem like more than half of the population was capable of turning in this bare minimum style of hosting. Dave hosted for the real people simply by being himself. Sure he softened up in his later years, but you could tell he wasn’t taking notes from the network brass about what comedy works and doesn’t work for them.

The one trick I can most consistently rely on when I have doubts in myself is I can be funny. It’s helped me in so many situations. I have no doubt if I never got into watching Letterman that I would be a human being without a well-defined talent. With 100% assurance I can say that I’ve never watched an episode of “The Late Show” and not laughed. Absolutely the show’s writers and producers deserve credit for the show being so funny too, but when it all comes to it those jokes and premises don’t mean shit if a dolt is out there delivering.

Alan Kalter, Dave’s announcer for the past 20 years (who I just found out shares the same birthday as me from looking up his wikipedia!) has me in stitches with his goofiness. He’s got a golden throat and a comical confidence that keeps me hanging around every time he throws to commercial for his absurd one-liners. I loved the remotes Dave would send Biff and Rupert on. And of course Paul Motherfuckin’ Shaffer. He was perfect for Dave. I’m going to miss not hearing his signature cackle and the out-of-left-field questions and statements he’d make in between Dave’s desk pieces.

Dave was a man with integrity too. Every Medal of Honor recipient from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars has been on his show to share their story with the world. Every fleet week the entire audience is completely members of the US Military. After 9/11 Dave was the first talk show host to return to air after the attacks. He’s owned up to his mistakes and apologizes without any hesitation when it is needed. After his open-heart surgery he had the entire medical staff on his show to thank them publicly for saving his life, and he did this every year on the anniversary of his surgery. During the writer’s strike a few years back he paid his ENTIRE staff out of his own pocket the exact same salary they always got. This went on for months too. I have to imagine it cost him over a million dollars but he did so without a single complaint. It was well documented that Leno only started paying his staff when the media got wind of Letterman doing this and asking if he was doing the same.

Now that Leno’s off the air I can say I genuinely have some varying degree of interest in all the remaining late night talk show hosts. I’ll watch them now and again when there’s an interesting guest on, but I don’t see any point in continuing to be an every night late night talk show watcher. They’re all funny, but NONE of them are David Letterman funny. THAT is a fact.

Watch Conan O’Brien give his heart felt goodbye to the man who left such gigantic shoes to fill as his successor to NBC’s “Late Night”.

http://teamcoco.com/video/goodbye-dave?playlist=x%3BeyJ0eXBlIjoidGFnIiwiaWQiOjQ2OTZ9

Try not to get emotional while Jimmy Kimmel bids adieu to his comedy hero

Even Norm Macdonald gets choked up when talking about his love and admiration for David Letterman

He single-handedly changed the boring format that talk shows were turning into. There would be no Jimmy Fallon playing wacky games with celebrities, there would be no masturbating bear on Conan, Jimmy Kimmel would never have a chance to get a large group of celebrities to sing about him fucking Ben Affleck, Craig Ferguson wouldn’t have a venue to do ANYTHING that his show ever did, Stephen Colbert could never ask a Congressman the dumbest questions ever right to their face, and Jon Stewart would never deliver a satirical news story.

And that’s precisely it; David Letterman has always been so much more than just a goofy guy to have some laughs with while he talks to your favorite movie star. He represents true talent. He speaks for all of the underdogs out there. The man sitting behind that desk is exactly what we want to be and is doing it exactly how he wants to do it. Only he’s the only possible person in the entire world who could pull it off so well.

What’ll I do with only memories and old youtube clips to keep me funny? What’ll I do without a reliable good time waiting for me at the close of every weeknight? What’ll I do when my hero is gone forever?

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Crush

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on May 19, 2015

I used to think that every female that I would see on any sort of regular basis was interested in me. From the age I figured out that most girls like boys and for the next 20 or so years I thought this. In the back of my mind in some microscopic corner I would know that in reality there’s no way that all these women want to date me, but I would joyfully push those thoughts away and enjoy the much preferable scenario where I was hot stuff! I’d make both rational (she has a boyfriend right now that she met before she even knew me) and ridiculous (she’s just waiting for her period to end and then it’s a guarantee that she’ll be begging me to go out on a date) reasons as to why we never were currently dating. I clearly remember writing about this in my Myspace blog circa 2006. I was fully aware of how silly it was, but I was also completely of the mind that I had all these women fawning over me.

As I was driving home on my commute the other day I just remembered that I used to do this. Something that dominated my thinking for literal decades hadn’t crossed my mind in almost another decade. When did I stop thinking this way? More importantly, why did I stop thinking this way? You’d think as I matured I might scale it back from ALL women being into me to just a couple or one at a time, but recent years I find it baffling that anyone would have the slightest interest in me.

I miss the feeling of having a crush. I’ve had plenty of interests, but there really was no better word than, “crush” to describe the all-encompassing feeling of a woman annihilating everything in your life just by existing in yours. I recall an evening in 1999 being in the midst of a top-notch crush. The season had just changed over to Spring and it was absolutely in the air. I stood at my window and inhaled as deeply as I could, over and over for what must have been an hour. With every breath my lungs filled with the wonderful smell of Spring time and full-on love.

Was I naive back then, or was I more optimistic? Has old age turned me bitter? Why can’t I feel this way anymore? Will there ever be another woman to grab me by the horns? Why haven’t I been able to shake these memories from my mind lately? Does this shirt make me look fat?

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My Latitude is Long

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on April 10, 2015

I thought I would write to update you all.

-I bet you’re wondering about my new job. It’s pretty great. The first week I was completely overwhelmed mentally. All of a sudden I am expected to remember AV vocabulary both in general and as it pertains to the hotel, where certain things are located in the hotel, new employee names, and how to set up/tear down each different piece of equipment. Also I was getting acquainted with the long drive and how to get to and from work and re-learning what it’s like to drive in traffic (which is like a totally different language than the ‘around town’ driving I had been doing the last 5 years in Ridgecrest.). By the time I would return home each day my first week I was completely fried. I started to really doubt my abilities as an AV equipment guy. Then by the second week I just kinda, got it. The first week I had done a lot of watching and listening to other people do work while I made mental notes while I stood there usually doing nothing. It was a lot to take in. When I was forced to do these things on my own I was able to fall back on my schooling, production experience, and things my co-workers had been telling me. That’s not to say after three weeks now that I’ve mastered it all. There are still certain setups that I haven’t done and wouldn’t have the first clue on how to do, and the things that I do know how to do I do very slow, but I’m pleased with my progress.

My first week I was working morning shift which put my commute both ways right in the middle of rush hour traffic. That’s just about as ball lick as possible. Since then I’ve been the closing shift guy and it’s shaved a good 45 minutes off of my drive time each way. With traffic the drive from Brentwood to San Jose was at least two hours. Since I’m closing now it’s down to a smooth sailing 1 hour and 15 minutes. My boss and longtime friend Chris told me that eventually I’m going to be transferred to another hotel. If I were to stay at the hotel I’m currently at eventually there would be a struggle for me to get decent hours. And with me living the furthest away from the hotel it made all the sense to transfer me to a closer location. So some time in the next month or so I’ll be working at a Double Tree that’s still in San Jose. The city is pretty big. The hotel I currently travel to is on the furthest part of town from me, where as this hotel is more North and would shave another 15-20 minutes off my commute.

-I’ve been on a cycle of getting really serious about online dating and then not giving a rip. I’ve made this complete circle about eight times since moving back. Call it yo-yo online dating. What I’ve been doing, and I know it’s not very effective, is I search for people that are local and in the age range I’m looking for. I pick a few nominees based on their basic info that comes up on the search page. Then I look at all those to read their profiles. That whittles it down usually to about 1-3 candidates. I’ll send them all a message introducing myself, noting something about their profile and how I think this would make us a good match, then say…I dunno something else. This has gotten me NOWHERE! Sure sometimes I end up inadvertantly contacting someone who no longer uses their profile but what most often happens is they read the message, check out my profile and then never respond to the message. This can only mean two things; they think I’m not physically attractive and/or something in my profile turned them off to me. This exact scenario happened just two days ago with a lady I was certain would lead to something. She was a big Pearl Jam fan and seemed to have a great sense of humor. I made note of those things in my message to her. After checking out my profile a few hours after I messaged her…radio silence. So needless to say I’m currently at the part of the cycle where I don’t give a rip about online dating.

-I’ve been thinking about my Little League baseball years a lot lately. I played four years total. The teams I played for were The Orioles, The Reds, The Phillies, The Pirates, and The Giants. I remember quite a lot from my first year as an Oriole. Nothing really basebally though. During one game my team was at bat and I was the runner on 3B. The guy playing 3B for the other team extended his index finger, poked me in the neck with it and told me that my team sucked. This was the first time I had ever heard this expression. Being that I was 5 or 6 years old then I took the term literally; as if to suggest that my team did a lot of vacuuming.

As a member of the Phillies this was clearly the best team I ever played for. My friend Garret was on the team and he was by and far the most athletic guy I knew. I remember one game my Dad volunteered to be the 1B coach for my team. When I came up to bat I hit a stand up double and my Dad was so lit up with glee when I ran to first and he told me to run on to second. I was good for a double each season I played. Then a lot of walks and strikeouts.

When I was a Pirate it took place my first year living in Brentwood. I was pretty much the new kid in everything I did that year. What stood out for me this year was the best hitter on our team was named Dan Pitino. He was your cliche white trash kid who never really knew his Dad, and his Mom showed up to all the games but never without a beer. Toward the end of the season he got a hot streak at bat and would hit a solid double every game. Thing is he wouldn’t know when to stop when he was ahead. Some of the hits he could maybe get lucky and make it into a triple depending on how the throw to third ended up, but no way were any of his hits in the ballpark home runs. Well, he tried to make them all HR’s. It’d be like clockwork, we’d cheer him on as he easily rounded first, about half of us would shout to stop at second, but as he rounded that base we tensed up as he made his way to third. By the time he made his way home we were all shouting, “STOP! GO BACK!”. The ball would arrive at third a half second after he left that base so the third baseman would always easily throw the ball to the catcher and he’d be tagged out at the plate. Then also like clockwork Dan would start loudly crying. He clearly had some demons that now I can look back on and sympathize with his desperate need to be the best, but at the time he just pissed me off.

The next year I was a Giant. On the first day of practice the coach had us all form a line behind first and one at a time we were to run and slide into second. When it was my turn I failed to raise my hands over my head and ended up dragging my wrists on the ground as I made my slide. It really hurt! It was a different kind of hurt that I hadn’t felt yet. When everyone did their slides the coach had us move on to some other activity. I approached him and told him that my arm hurt since I did my slide. He told me to sit out the next drill and to shake my arm in the dugout. That probably made what ended up being a fractured wrist worse. My time as a Giant lasted all of about 15 minutes.

Now you may be asking yourself what about my time as a Red? This was my second year of baseball. The crazy thing is I don’t have a single memory of playing this year. Not even like a second’s worth. I find this to be baffling as I’ve clearly been able to remember something about all the other years I’ve played. Isn’t the brain wacky?!

-That’s enough for now.

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…As I Know It Now

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on March 10, 2015

It’s very likely that this won’t be the last post I make about my new life back in Brentwood. You know how much I hate to be predictable so I’m gonna really need you to not keep track and not predict anything about this blog!

Today marks one week that I’ve been back. I don’t recall how long my longest visit home was since I moved away, but I gotta imagine I’m getting close to surpassing that mark within the next few days. It hasn’t really felt like a vacation thus far though. There’s no wondering what is going on back in the town where all my stuff is. There’s no ticking clock in my head to see all the people and places I’d like to see before I leave again. Neither of my brothers are here. There’s no holiday or special event (although there are only 10 more shopping days before my 31st birthday…) for me to attend. Yes I think it’s safe to say that I am home and it feels that way too.

So what’s my day to day life like? Pretty damn chill, haha. But, that won’t last much longer. I unofficially got a job already! The only thing that would keep me from getting it is something coming up in my background check, which there won’t be any issues with. It’s approximately a two week process to get all that taken care of and then I start. My first day will either be the 23rd or the 31st. Details on the job later in the post. ‘Til then life isn’t too different from the many days of not working in Ridgecrest. I go to sleep and wake up whenever I want to. I go back and forth from milling about on the computer to milling around on the TV. Everything is amplified though. There are more television options (with On Demand and more channels), the internet is faster, there’s more food in the kitchen (although it’s decidedly healthier), there are more things to do in town (that I also can’t afford to take advantage of right now), and the house I’m doing all these things in is much bigger. The only difference is there’s a dog and two other people sharing that space with me. If this was my future for the next few months I’d be drowning in pessimism. Since I have a job waiting for me in a few weeks I see it as a nice way to slowly transition into a new lifestyle and recover physically and emotionally from very abruptly leaving my old one. I think I may have dropped a few pounds already too. Nothing drastic. The labor of moving heavy things and eating less crap surely has had some sort of effect on me. I brought my scale with me but it obviously got screwed up in the move. It’s a digital scale and now when I step on it it says I’m about 75lbs lighter than when I was in Ridgecrest. Even though I’ve stepped off and back on to it many times by now there’s absolutely no way that’s accurate. I and anyone else who sees me would constantly be remarking on how quickly I shed so much weight! I’d guess I’ve dropped more in the 2-4lbs range! Still, it is nice to see that pleasant number for my weight even if it is a lie.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to get the check engine light on my car diagnosed. I’ll be doing it in Tracy so while they’re scoping out the issue I’ll tool around in the Tracy Mall for the first time since I saw ‘Kill Bill Vol. 2′ there. I’m really hoping that the food court smells the same. I’ve never experienced that smell in any other mall, and it fills the entire place like a fog! It will take me back to the thrills of being a late teenager driving out of town. I’m really hoping the issue with my car is minor. It doesn’t seem to handle any differently while I’m driving it.

I’m probably going to have to be the man that cried, “New York!” twice and didn’t actually go either time. It’s not for certain yet, but it’s looking unlikely now. Since my job won’t start until after we would finish the trip I’m not going to have any real income until probably mid-April. My parents have offered to cover my spending expenses on the trip and add it to my very quickly climbing debt to them. I just don’t think I have it in me to take any more for them. Who knows how much the car will cost me tomorrow and soon I’ll need to mooch more for gasoline to work (about 140 miles round trip five days a week) and a Fast Pass for the toll bridge. I’ve accepted that this doesn’t make me any less of a fan of David Letterman if I never end up seeing him do his show live. Of course it’d be nice, but it’s looking like it just wasn’t meant to be.

Alirght, so the job! My long-time friend Chris Pagan is in a managerial position for a company called PSAV (Presentation Services…something something. Audio Visual maybe?). They set up mostly audio and occasionally video equipment for hotels that are hosting speaking engagements and presentations in their building. I would drive to the hotel every work day and take care of setting up and tearing down in the various spots. It is in San Jose, aka the heart of Silicon Valley, so you know they have high tech lectures coming through there all the time. It pays better than any job I’ve ever had and offers great benefits. After many months when I’m able to pay off my debts and then save up to get my own place it would make great sense for me to move out to that area. Maybe not San Jose specific, because I imagine that’s an expensive city, but there are a lot of places closer than Brentwood some 70 miles away. And then there’s my movie which may start playing in film festivals this summer which could get me started on my dream job.

Lastly I’m very encouraged my the singles scene here. By here I mean online. Way more choices and women who seem to have shit better figured out. I’ve sent messages to a tiny handful so far, but to no response. I’ve been wary of diving right in since I’m still broke. Once I figure out my schedule and income I’ll go head first.

And that should get you all caught up!

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Move It Like This Pt. 2

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on March 6, 2015

As I pulled into town it was some time around midnight. The GPS was now off. Of course I’ve visited Brentwood 2-3 times a year the past decade that I’ve been away, but I hadn’t done a whole lot of driving. I would always fly or take the train home and depend on friends to pick me up or now and again borrow a family member’s car. It felt pretty grand to make my way all the way down Balfour Rd. When I was leaving Ridgecrest, where I had spent the vast majority of my last five years I wasn’t able to spark too many significant memories. Entering Brentwood, proper, for the first time in a decade the memories just came flooding back to me. There’s the gas station that used to have that cow that would moo at you when you entered, there’s where my old house is, down that street is my Jr. High, that’s the Chevron station Bernardo and I would buy Skittles and laugh like idiots at the outdoor tables for hours. I mean no disrespect at all to Ridgecrest, but suddenly this felt right.

My Mom stayed up and waited for me. The dog obviously forgot who I was so she barked her head off at this stranger that just entered her house late at night. We all went to sleep 15 minutes later. Of course I slept terribly. It was a combination of having so much to think about, my legs being incredibly sore from all the physical labor I did, and I wasn’t about to go rooting through the truck to find my warm sleeping clothes so it was damn chilly.

Needless to say I was way grumpy the next day. As I started unloading from the truck I wanted to find out what in the guest room that was now going to turn into my room can be removed and what my parents would like to remain in the room. This quickly turned into an argument that probably could have been avoided if I wasn’t so sleep deprived and I figured out later I am not used to having my house-related decisions questioned. I did not react well to this after four years of just doing what I want to do with where I place things and why. After catching up on sleep I realized both how dumb and irrational I was being and everything’s fine now. All my stuff has a place and all my parents’ stuff does too. I texted some of you my frustrations that day. Just know that that was me in need of a nap haha. By the end of the day everything had calmed down.

The next day I removed the last few things in the Uhaul, took a bunch of things to storage and then made an impromptu trip to the dump. After my Dad and I removed the dreaded couch from the truck and got the fucker all the way to my storage locker he decided it would be a better idea to just load it back in the truck while we have one and take it to the dump. I agreed that it wasn’t the world’s greatest couch but whenever I do move out it will be nice to be able to have a couch ready to go. Plus even though it does have some appearance issues I still find it very comfy. Hell, as most of you know I slept on the dang thing for 97% of my time in the bachelor pad. My Dad made goods points though about getting rid of it now while we have a truck because the couch is only going to get worse over time and how great would it be NOT to have to move the behemoth that it was. There were some cons to this idea, but at that point the pros were winning and I agreed. So we walked the fucked all the way back to the truck to send it on it’s green mile.

Another reason why I didn’t sleep so well was the pillows that were in the guest bedroom were so flat they might as well have been bookmarks. On my second day I retrieved my wonderful pillow from the truck and decided to give it a wash in the washing machine. When the wash cycle was complete I open it to find that the machine had ripped several large holes in the pillow rendering it completely useless. You don’t understand this magic pillow. It was both soft and firm. It was big, yet able to be condensed when I wanted it to be. No other pillow I’ve ever experienced in my life has had this feature. It would take months of breaking in to get something close.

Now consider this; you know how much I am like the Princess and the Pea when it comes to my sleeping arrangements. All within 48 hours of uprooting myself from the figurative comfort of living on my own and having very little responsibilities, I lose both of my literal comforts of my bed and pillow. Sure there’s nothing wrong with sleeping on a couch, but how many married or men with girlfriends do you know that WILLINGLY sleep on the couch night in and night out? There’s also a metaphor for my old lifestyle and the one I’ll be quickly changing to buries not very deep at all that I’m sure you’re smart enough to figure out.

Once the big moving was done I’ve just spent the day driving around town getting re-acquainted with the roads and setting things up in my room. By the end of this weekend there will be no trace of boxes or scattered wires to be seen. I’ve been pretty lucky to have an amazing job offer already too. I really don’t want to talk about it yet, but rest assured I will talk about it eventually. It seems to be a great fit and pays better than any other job I’ve had before. It involves being a hooker. Come on, you all know that’s where I was headed!

I’m back in my beloved Bay Area. I can watch every 49er and A’s game on TV. I can GO to A’s games (and 49er games if I am a REAL good hooker). Seeing an independent movie is not something I have to plan a weekend trip around. There are more than the same eight faces on the local dating sites. It’s not all wine and roses for sure, but this came at a good time in my life.

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Move It Like This Pt. 1

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on March 6, 2015

I’ve spread this out over two posts so you don’t have the excuse of, “too long, didn’t read” and therefore not commenting. Oh, there will be comments!

What a fucking week! I didn’t think I’d ever actually pull this off to be honest. Ever since my movie was completed it got real difficult to justify living in Ridgecrest. Even if I still was making good money it would be hard to have a good reason to remain there. Of course I was making the opposite of good money since late last November. Let me walk you down the time line of my last few days.

Monday morning I had to wake up early to do what would be my last day of work in Ridgecrest. This was a day of work planned well before I knew I would be moving. When I found out I would be leaving I was given the option to not work that day, but I knew it would make things more difficult for the others and who am I to turn down a full day’s worth of work these days? The day was a full eight hours (which was about equal to all the hours I worked in January!) but went by quick. By the time I got back home that evening I was a little tired. On any other day I would just make dinner, eat it, and veg out on the couch. Of course this wasn’t a normal night though. This was the night before I was going to move 450 miles away and clean four years worth of living. I had done maybe 10% of what needed to be done prior to this point. By the end of the night I did maybe 10% more, which took me to about midnight. I would have wanted to have more packing and cleaning done by then, but I was just too overwhelmed. I was tired from my work day and cleaning so damn much, my brain was overwhelmed at the thought of all the things in my house that in less than 24 hours would have to either be in the garbage or in a truck, and I was sad as fuck to be leaving. I should have done at least another hour’s worth of work, but I was fucking fried and had to stop.

The next morning I awoke at 8AM. First thing I did was drive my car to the Uhaul location to pick up my truck. Shortly after I returned with the truck Braxton arrived to help me move the big stuff that I wasn’t able to move on my own. There were only three things I would need him to help me transport. My mattress/box spring (which wasn’t heavy, just big), my dresser (which is heavyish), and my couch (which is a motherfucker. Fuck that couch. Every fucking time I move it I hate life!). We decide to just get the worst part over with right away. Sure enough it was just as shitty as every other time I moved it.

If you’ve been to my house you know the distance we had to carry it to get to the parking lot. I’d approximate it at 35-40 yards and then up a Uhaul ramp. It took a long time to catch my breath when we finally finished. We walked back to my place and both of us drank about two gallons of water which turned out to be a mistake for me. Immediately after finishing our water we then started moving the dresser. We made it in one non-stop transport but by the time we got there I was quite sure I was either going to barf from over-exerting myself or just die. Luckily it was the former, but barfing still sucks. All that water I just gulped and the entirety of my breakfast came up. Luckily I made it to the toilet in time. The last time I barfed in that house :(.

Not too long after my need for Braxton was done. I wasn’t gonna make him deal with my four years of clutter and not good cleaning. It was just a shitty shitty six straight hours of packing and cleaning before the place was finally empty and about 85% clean. I reached a point where I didn’t give a fuck anymore and just wanted to get on the road.

I turned my keys in, wrote my last rent check, and headed to my last stop again at the Uhaul location to load up the trailer which will be carrying my car the entire way.

I lived in Ridgecrest for five years. As I made my way to the Uhaul location on the edge of town I made my final trip down China Lake Blvd. I tried to soak up as much as I could. I forced myself to acknowledge certain restaurants I went to. No real emotion connection there. I didn’t really pass the places that I made real memories. Parks I took the kids to, houses and places we visited, school functions of their I attended. I did however come close to losing it as I passed the mailbox in front of the USO building. Christopher and I would always play a game where we’d walk in a circle and every time we hit the mailbox we’d shout, “MAILBOX! GET OUT OF MY WAY!” and he’d crack up every single time. There really isn’t an English word I know of that comes close to describing the sorrow of realizing I’d never get to play that game with him again.

I lucked out and ended up with a truck that had an mp3 input so I played my Zune the entire seven hour drive. I only made two stops the entire drive. Pretty much the entire drive I had entered some sort of Zen-like mindset where time just flew by. I’d have a podcast playing on the stereo and my eyes on the road, but my mind was just in the moment. No wishing the drive was over or calculating how much longer I’ll be stuck in this truck. My guess is that I had exhausted my mind so much up to this point with all the moving, planning, and cleaning that it just went to sleep and only offered up the functions that were necessary.

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Protected: Can’t Get Lower

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on February 24, 2015

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All 99 of Jay-Z’s Problems

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on February 22, 2015

1. Of course I like hip hop, but no one believes me when I tell them I have the largest collection of polka 45’s in the world.

2. I’m only on season 2 of “Breaking Bad” so shhhhhhhhhhhhh no spoilers!

3. I know how to tie a tie, but I don’t know what the knot is called.

4. Yeast infection.

5. Ever since gay marriage was legalized in New York I’ve been asked to plan like a million gay weddings.

6. I’ve been putting off re-ordering my Looney Toons checks.

7. Due to the sanctity of street cred I can never again rent a bounce house.

8. Sometimes I wanna rap about bubbles.

9. I don’t pronounce the “er” at the end of holler. I’m better than that.

10. Microphones get heavy! I don’t wanna hold it the whole concert, but I look like a silly billy if I put it in the mic stand.

11. Stick and stones may break my bones, but the names that Solange called me in that elevator really hurt me.

12. Three times I’ve signed up for yo-yo camp and each time I didn’t show up. I’m just afraid when I’m attempting to rock the cradle that it will snap onto my fingers.

13. Marilyn Manson is scary!!!

14. I’ll admit that sometimes in the studio I can be a real Judy Attitudey.

15. When I’m alone I like to listen to music on as low of a volume as possible.

16. Every time we change the clocks for Daylight Savings I freak the fuck out.

17. Blue Ivy probably won’t like “Parks & Recreation”.

18. With my feet I just can’t pull off sandals.

19. When I watch British shows I have to turn on the subtitles because I don’t understand their accents.

20. Everyone assumes I don’t like the crust on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I do like them.

21. I ain’t got a barn.

22. EVERY TIME I make a puppet talk, my mouth moves. I always forget!

23. The bills on all my hats are flat.

24. When Beyonce played during the Super Bowl half time she forgot to buy me a churro like she said she would.

25. I still watch “Grey’s Anatomy”. Guys, give it another chance it’s so good!

26. Mumps.

27. Beyonce won’t let me get a motorcycle even though I said I’d wear a helmet.

28. I keep changing the artist in my iTunes library for all my musicals to the dude who wrote the music, but it keeps changing it back to “Original London Cast”.

29. I bought Ken Burns’ “Jazz” when it came out…haven’t even opened it.

30. I saw Woody Allen when the Knicks played the Nets. He didn’t recognize me.

31. Is milk healthy or not?!?

32. Rick Rubin only ever wants to get lunch at Red Robin. If I suggest somewhere else he throws such a fit!

33. E! recently had me on one of their best dressed lists, but I had nothing to do with the outfit. My stylist just had it waiting for me on my bed. I even initially put the pocket square on incorrectly and she had to fix it. Now I get all the credit for the outfit and she remains faceless. It’s just not fair.

34. I forgot what Hova means.

35. Sometimes, I’m in a Dairy State of Mind.

36. I’m expected to like “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”, but honestly I never thought that show was funny. Pretty corny if you ask me.

37. I accidentally ripped my Dragon Ball Z poster when we moved out of the old house.

38. I hate it when I feel pressured by the person behind me in line at the grocery store to leave the check stand. I like my dollars arranged in order of serial number. You can wait!

39. I miss listening to Howard Stern ever since he moved to satellite. I know I can afford to start a subscription, but it’s the principle of it all. You know?

40. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey aren’t going to host the Golden Globes anymore.

41. Everyone thinks the triangle I hold up means I’m part of the Illuminati; really it’s just the sign we flash at PTA meetings.

42. People go easy on me when they play me in tetherball just because I’m a celebrity.

43. I eat too much cheese :(.

44. I’m terrified “Weird” Al is going to parody one of my songs.

45. Sometimes, I prefer unfiltered tap water.

46. I forgot all about Judge Lance Ito.

47. My membership to the Sean Penn Butterscotch of the Month club expired and I can’t find on the website where to contact someone about renewing.

48. I gotta ration my granola bars until we go back to the store.

49. I own a basketball team that has a stupid name.

50. The Whole Foods closest to me has that clerk who talks way too much. Like, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know who I am. Somehow he has a ten minute story about every single item I buy. I’m Jay-Z! I don’t care that you know the guy who puts the lids on the wheat germ jars I bought. And I can’t go to the one uptown cuz the parking there is just atrocious!

51. Beyonce always picks Diddy Kong when we play Mario Kart. I wanna be him.

52. Whenever Kanye comes over Blue Ivy ignores me.

53. What the heck did Bill Murray say to her at the end of “Lost In Translation”?!?!

54. When I order ribs I prefer the BBQ sauce on the side, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for it that way.

55. P. Diddy has a bigger TV than me.

56. I dropped a bagel that rolled under my couch like two weeks ago and now I’m afraid to fish it out.

57. I have a real hard time accepting that there’s nothing I can do about Kirstie Alley’s fluctuating weight.

58. Popcorn gets stuck in my teeth at an alarming rate.

59. We really don’t need to do The Time Warp, again!

60. I still think Robin Williams is alive.

61. I’m in that awkward position where I either have to sell five DVD’s or buy a bigger DVD rack that will have way too much empty space in it.

62. You’d think I was a Jets or Giants fan, but I prefer the Arena League.

63. I really need to know which side of the bed is the, “wrong” side. I’ve been switching every day and it’s taken quite a toll on me.

64. I feel bad cuz every time I see a youtube video of Dizzy Gillespie I laugh at his cheeks.

65. Kevin!

66. The Rebel Alliance in Star Wars were basically terrorists.

67. I changed my mind about where I wanted to put a sticker after I already stuck it somewhere, and now it doesn’t stick good in the new location.

68. I’m dusting like, all the time.

69. I know I’m not supposed to throw away batteries, but if I have one more rolling around in my junk drawer I might just pay my mafia friends to send them to sleep with the fishes.

70. Leprosy.

71. I see nothing wrong with Justin Bieber’s behavior.

72. These pants, ugh!

73. I read a poem that I did not understand.

74. Can’t make up my mind if I prefer heavy whipping cream or half and half in my coffee.

75. Geraldo Rivera used to be really good at journalism. Now he’s a joke.

76. Why do I not eat Honey Bunches of Oats more often?

77. Restless leg syndrome.

78. Every October I get too excited for Halloween and carve my pumpkin too early. When the big night comes around I always have a rotten, shriveled pumpkin that doesn’t scare anyone.

79. Robert De Niro still hasn’t returned my DVD copy of “Sweet Home Alabama”.

80. I feel guilty if I take a really long shower.

81. No one asked who I thought should have won the Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role, Mini-Series, or Motion Picture Made for Television in 2002. Cynthia Nixon.

82. It’s cold.

83. I don’t know if I should refer to her as Blue or Ivy.

84. I’ve never heard a song by Dr. Dre.

85. I can’t reveal that I play all the instruments on every Mumford and Sons album and they’ve been miming this whole time.

86. About four times a day I giggle to myself thinking about something Jar Jar said.

87. My favorite member of Destiny’s Child has always been Michelle Williams. Always has, always will.

88. I want one of those really big coffee mugs, but I have no idea where they sell ’em.

89. I’m quite certain Adrien Brody has tried to kill me before and he won’t stop until he succeeds.

90. I can’t grow a beard.

91. Sometimes, I don’t want more S’mores, but I don’t want to be the one to break the tradition of eating every single S’more offered to you.

92. Why do I gotta say goodnight to the moon? It never says goodnight to me!

93. Beyonce never throws away the toilet paper rolls when she starts a new one.

94. Running out of hot dogs is something no celebrity can avoid no matter how rich they are.

95. Penny Marshall gave me the worst Indian burn last week. Ouchie!

96. Bronson Pinchot is my accountant.

97. I forgot how to write in cursive.

98. Pretty much every Nation Park Ranger makes jokes about me behind my back.

99. Jack Pallance owed me a bag of Corn Nuts and then he died.

Posted in Comedy Pieces | 2 Comments »

All The Scents In My Celebrity Cologne

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on February 17, 2015

-I think people are in a big hurry for “Better Call Saul” to be just as good as “Breaking Bad”. This is a problem all spin-offs have. I’m enjoying the series so far. I know it will only get better too. I did find myself in the second episode while he was negotiating with Tuco’s men that they were beating us over the head trying to show us he’s one hell of a slick lawyer. It could have been a lot worse. I loved the opening of the first episode where he was working at Cinnabon. One thing I don’t like about the series is the rumored sightings of characters from “Breaking Bad”. Some make great sense; Tuco was a pleasant surprise, Mike was great to see alive and just as grouchy as ever, and you just know Gus is going to re-emerge down the line and that is going to make me scream with joy! What I don’t like is the rumors that Walt and Jesse might make appearances. Now I know it doesn’t mean that they will share a scene with Saul and I have no doubt Vince Gilligan and the other writers would find a gloriously clever way to do it, but it just feels cheap to me. Like us viewers aren’t going to like the show if it isn’t exactly the same as the original series. It makes sense for certain characters to appear, but you don’t have to bring out the two biggest guns. Actually it would be pretty great to have a Walt cameo. Like maybe Saul is grocery shopping and they accidentally bump into each other. Maybe a brief exchange of words. That I would be down with. I need to re-watch when Saul makes his first appearance, but if I remember correctly both Walt and Jesse approach him as if they’ve never seen him before. Let’s not make this today’s version of Obi-Wan not recognizing the droids in Episode IV. I loved every time Saul showed up in “Breaking Bad” and I just know that this series will get really good.

-My movie is currently in consideration for the San Francisco LGBT Film Festival, Los Angeles LGBT Outfest, and a Long Beach film festival I forget the name of. The soonest I would hear if the film is accepted or not is the end of April. I also have a friend that has a talent agent and said he would show the movie and a proposal letter I wrote to him. I’ve also been e-mailing the link to the Ellen show and the host of My Drunk Kitchen (who is a lesbian and hosts many other shows on her channel) on youtube daily. It’s also been e-mailed to various gay websites as well. Do you have any other suggestions of places to send it to? I am capable of sending it digitally and/or physically.

My dream for this project is for the 23 minute feature I’ve made to just be the first step. Top of the mountain goal for this would be having MTV pick it up as a weekly docu-series. I want to get back to the original idea of traveling across the country to interview people. I also have to get an interview with someone from the trans and asexual communities, respectively.

I wouldn’t mind having the series on a channel like Bravo or Logo, but I feel like I would be preaching to the choir. Misinformed straight people just aren’t sitting down to see what’s happening on those channels. PBS would be my second choice. It just seems like such a perfect fit for what MTV has for it’s programming currently. And there’s a bit of wonderful poetic justice if it ended up on MTV, since Pedro Zamora from “The Real World” was really the first gay person I knew.

Anything that happens with the movie will happen months from now. The waiting never stops, but it’s great to know I’ve got wonderful things that I’m waiting on instead of the all-encompassing nothing I was staring at for a while.

-I’ll be in New York with most of my family a month from now. I believe the dates are March 14th-March 17th. We leave early in the morning of the 18th so that day doesn’t really count. A quick trip but it’s going to be worth it. Sure New York is wonderful, but I’m really only in it to see Letterman. No doubt we’ll do other great touristy things, but if the tradeoff for seeing Letterman was I’d have to spend all other points of the trip in the hotel room watching TV, I’d take that offer.

-I’m fairly certain I’ve not spoken in person with anyone that’s not a co-worker or clerk all year. I’m so damn lonely these past few weeks. Tomorrow night will break this slump I’m in. Gerri’s meeting me and some friends at a bar for her birthday. I’m probably too excited. I might come off like a socially awkward home-schooled kid who is at a kid birthday party for the first time cuz their Aunt invited them against her son’s wishes. I’ll either be the guy pushing people over not knowing I have to wait my turn, or pouting in the corner cuz I’m not getting my way. Not really. I’m being silly. Tomorrow will be great.

The last time I saw the kids was briefly on New Year’s Eve. This is what’s killing me the most. I miss them so much it hurts me. And I know they miss me too. I hope more than anything to have them back in my life soon.

-Leopold Voo. That’s a funny name.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »

How Super Is This Bowl?

Posted by Kyle Sundgren on January 30, 2015

Think back to all the interesting things you’ve learned from before during and after a football game by a coach or player. There’s the classic, “we just gotta give 110%” uttered by every coach who’s team is losing at half time, the, “We just came up short,” spoken by the losing Quarterback of every game, and the classic, “They’re a great team,” spouted off by a guy who really doesn’t know how sports work. Not every team is great.

You know I live and die for the 49ers, but I don’t give a shit what a player or coach has to say on game day. There are only like five different anyone gives. Hell, there are only like five different answers TO give! Make a flow chart; did you win or lose? Was there an injury? Did you make a big play? Did you make a dumb play? How do you feel about your next opponent? Fucking same questions and answers!

That’s why, and get ready to go sledding in hell, I really admire Marshawn Lynch. If I were in the NFL I’d probably do the same thing he’s doing. I wouldn’t want to answer the same stupid questions over and over. I’m an athlete, let me do athletic stuff.

I get it that the NFL is a brand and they want it on your minds at all times. Just because the game’s over doesn’t mean we’re allowed to stop thinking about it. You know that coach you’ve been watching from afar all game? Well guess what, we got someone on the field that is TALKING to him and we’re kind enough to show you that conversation. The NFL loves you. Send us money in the offseason. Who are the people that look forward to post-game interviews and what Peyton Manning has to say about Blake Bortles?!?!

Now let’s talk about this boring-ass Super Bowl we have coming up. I’ll be reluctantly rooting for the Patriots. Brady’s talent can’t be denied and I really like Belichick. He’s done a bit of cheating and we probably haven’t seen the last of it, but he’s mastered the art of having winning seasons in the salary cap era. No other team does it as well as his teams have been since he took over as head coach. It’s kinda interesting that the last two head coaches of the Patriots are both coaches in this year’s Super Bowl.

What’s with so many companies releasing their Super Bowl commercials online BEFORE the Super Bowl? I guess they increase the chance of you actually seeing the ad if you’re choosing to play it while looking at your screen. If they waited for the game you might be getting more Buffalo wings or pissing while their 30 seconds goes by. Still, I don’t like it. We can wait til the big day.

It’s pretty obvious why I’m rooting against the Seahawks. Cuz they’re slime. I can admit that Richard Sherman is the current best DB in the game (and that Michael Crabtree was actually the one that was the jerk in their infamous exchange last season), that Marshawn Lynch is not only smart (for the reasons listed above) but scary to defend against (and I’m so happy he’s leaving the team!), and that Russell Wilson has a lot of talent (despite looking like a dumb teddy bear that struggles to sell even in the discount bin). I wouldn’t hate them if they were a bad team with little to no talent. I don’t wish ill-will on any members of the team as human beings, but if they all got stuck on their team bus that had really uncomfortable seats, live rats that kept nibbling at their feet, and barely enough oxygen to stay alive…let’s just say I wouldn’t be the one breaking a window to help them out.

I love having undying hate for a team. It’s fun to tap into that sometimes ugly aspect of human nature. Some people don’t realize that their version of that comes out in bigoted ways. Like I said I wouldn’t want anything physically bad to happen to any player or their family members on a team I hate, but man oh man would I welcome a giant fire that destroys all their logos and/or minor injuries that only keep their best players from playing against the 49ers. So that being said, fuck the Seahawks, fuck the Raiders, and fuck the Packers because they are abominations! Now I must go back to fighting for equality.

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